The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
