not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
