you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Sorry my hands just texted you
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
