ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
