I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
