I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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