Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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