Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
