i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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