Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I don't deserve a penis
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
