My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
