420 ftw
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
