I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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