Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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