Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
