DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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