I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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