my phone needs a breathalizer
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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