My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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