He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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