just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
