Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My hand turned me down
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
