I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Randomize