Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
