The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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