At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
