Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
