i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
