Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
