I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
