Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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