I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
