My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Randomize
