Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My penis needs a shock collar
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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