People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
