Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Are we still banned from the library?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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