my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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