I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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