I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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