So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize