We named our party play list daddy issues
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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