A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
