I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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