I never want to see another naked old woman again.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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