halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
