dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
