This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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