I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
