How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize