you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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