weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize