ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
