the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I smell stomach acid.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
