Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
