i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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