Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize