hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
