What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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