i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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